One step after another

“We assume the really serious changes in our lives happens slowly over time, But it’s not true. The big stop happens in an instant. Sometimes you don't even know anything's changed. You think, you are still you and your life is still your life but you wake up one day and look around and becoming an adult, becoming a parent, becoming a doctor, one minute you’re not and the next- you are. Sometimes you don't even know anything's changed. You think, you're still you and your life is still your life but you wake up one day and look around and you don’t recognize anything, not anything at all.”



Change is most likely hard to determine if you are in the midst of the process. Change is inevitable in our life like time itself. Time waits for no one, and we cannot outrun the pendulum of life. Some people have said that change is good but some argued that changes in life are always abominable. I for one doesn’t adhere with the benefits of change. I was a fool for ignoring the auguries of change and there I was, blind sighted and became the victim of my own ignorance.

A week had pass after the effects of the conversation and conclusion. I doubted myself at first if I could really ignore the lingering feelings that would probably make me want to throw myself to someone but it became clearer that most of it is just left over feelings. I’m not happy with this situation nor the way I am mending my heart. Some part of me still wants to keep the feelings that made me happy a lot of times but I really have to move on. I am too ruined not to let go. I am headed for a better direction. I’ll keep our memories in my head not in my heart and I have to get rid these feelings. One-step at a time, I will be okay and I will be far from being fragile.

I hate changes in life and will probably detest it in the future for the sole reason of the inevitable ending of our story. She’s in a better place now and somehow I’m proud of what she became after us. I will be a better person as well. I will create many beautiful things and maybe someday she will be proud of me.

I realize that I’m not good at being single nor being at a committed relationship. I have no choice but to move forward and let the things fall into their places and just let the fate do its freaking job. I am too tired to swim against the current and I’ll just pretend that I’m a dead fish.

“A to Z.” Huh.

It’s all a joke after all. Ignorance will still and always will be bliss for me.

At 2:46AM

"It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."



My little grey cells are still stoked so I'm going to make the most out of it by ranting out.

My day went well despite the remaining feelings of depression. My close friend helped me figure out the problems that are hindering me to move on. She individually remarked my faults and explained the underlining conundrums that i have to accept and forget. I told her that I'm done with it. All i want for now is to disentangle my feelings for her so i can finally aim my life into a new destination. Hopefully i won't be held up again amidst the process of letting go no matter how hard it could be.

Today, I've felt the guidance that i am doing the right thing. My mind is telling me not to care about the people's opinion about me. Hell they don't have the slightest idea of what I've been through. All of their opinions are rubbish.

I know that my situation isn't so bad just what my friend told me. Other people are much more depressed and bummed out than me. All i have to do is to not care about the past. Laugh about the things that I've done just to mend my heart. Pull a face for the times that I've tried to win back a girl even if i turned out as a lame person.



For YOU whom i shared my afternoon with: Thank you! I know you have some problems as well and i am not much of a help but you know that I'm always here for you.

For YOU whom i shared my late night hours with by talking about anything and everything, SALAMAT!! You always managed to put a smile on my face before i sleep. :)

For YOU who came back from my elementary days, i am eternally grateful that you have found me after all of these years. I missed you. :)

For YOU who broke my heart, Goodluck and god bless.


To my:

Heart - Don't be afraid that you are alone. Someday, someone will make you beat again. And I'll make sure that SHE will be the one so don't lose hope. :D

Bulok na paniniwala

"Siguro ang gusto nya lang ay siya lang ang possesive sa relasyon nyo. Nung naging possesive ka na rin, ayaw nya na. Kasi siguro ang gusto nya eh siya lang."

Mahirap intindihin para sa nakararami ang sinabing ito ng kaibigan ko. Nung una ko itong narinig sa bibig nya eh nilipad pa ata palayo sa katawan ko ng hangin yung utak ko kaya natagalan pa itong i-proseso ang mga salitang sinabi nya sa akin. Oo siguro nga ay may punto sya kahit malalim para sa akin. May mga kababaihan nga siguro na ayaw nagagaya ang personalidad nila pag nagtagal. Wala akong magagawa patungkol dyan. Naging biktima lang rin naman ako dahil nagmahal lang ako at nasaktan sa huli. Mahirap tanggalin sa sistema mo ang isang bagay pag may natutunan ito sa isang tao na malapit sayo lalo na pag nakaugalian mo na ito. Mas lalo ng mahirap pag yung taong minahal mo ang nagturo sayo ng kinaiinisan nya sa iyo ngayon. Masakit tanggapin pero ito ang dahilan kaya nya ako tinalikuran. At hanggang sa huli naming paguusap, binaluktot nya lahat ng mga sinabi ko at ipinamukha na ako lahat ang may kasalanan.

Hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Ni hindi ko na rin siya kilala. Para na kaming dalawang estranghero na naghuhulaan kung magkakilala ba talaga kami o hindi. Nagbago na ang takbo ng buhay, sumama sya sa alon nito. Mas pinili ko naman na manatili sa mundong binuo namin. Dahil pinaniwalaan ko na maayos pa ang lahat. Nagkamali ako dahil matagal na pala kaming magkaiba ng pahina sa buhay.

Ilang beses akong sinampal ng kaibigan ko ng mga mali ko sa buhay pag ibig. Marami akong mali, pero naintindihan nya ang paniniwala ko hindi dahil kaibigan nya ako kundi may punto rin ako. Sa mga binahagi nya sakin na payo marahil hindi nya rin ata naisip na hindi lang ako yung nagkamali. Pero hindi na importante iyon ngayon. Naniniwala ako sa sinabi nya. At gagawin ko ang mga pinayo nya. Mabait kasi ako eh. Pag alam kong kailangan ko na ng tulong, tumatakbo na ako sa mga tunay na kaibigan na kilala talaga yung ugali ko. At mahigit sa lahat, naiintindihan at iniintindi ako.

Bukas na ang lipad mo. Paalam sa iyo. Salamat sa mga memorya na binahagi mo sa akin. Hindi ko mapapangako na lahat ng mga memorya na ginawa natin pareho ng ilang taon ay gagamitin ko upang maging masaya ako. Marahil mas kailangan ko na lang kalimutan na lang ang mga iyon. Magkaiba na tayo ng mundong ginagalawan. Marahil pagbalik mo, nakaalis na rin ako sa mundong pinagkulungan mo sa akin.

Memories

"I should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
Maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need"



She posted this on her multiply site when we were still together and i got the chance to read it again and have decided to post this entry on my site as well. This were the things that i have done for her:

Bold everything that applies.

A guy has...

Let me borrow a jacket when I was cold
Pulled out a chair for me to sit in
Held a door open for me
Pushed my hair back away from my face
Let me hack his Xanga

...His Myspace
Waited for me to get online just so we could talk
Shared a drink with me
Bought me lunch
Bought me food
Made me food
Let me cry on his shoulder
Taken care of me while I wasn't feeling well
Given me a backrub
Given me a foot massage
Rubbed my head when I had a headache
Called me beautiful
Called me gorgeous
Called me hot
Called me cute
Called me sexy
Given me a compliment
...And meant it
Bought me chocolate
Bought me flowers
Bought me jewelry (kumpleto toh: earrings, bracelet, necklace, ring..)
Driven me to places
Taught me new things
Fed me. Literally
Dropped everything to see me
Made a promise to me
...And kept it
Tucked me into bed
Watched a movie he didn't like just because I liked it (we always liked whatever we were watching)
Taken me to a theme park
Respected me
Trusted me
Remained faithful
Remained loyal
Walked me home
Walked far just to see me (from imus to sm bacoor! haha)
Showed me off to his friends
Snuck out to see me
Gotten in trouble for me
Lied for me
Protected me
Stood up for me
Said "I love you"
...And meant it
Never cheated on me
Paid for dinner
Taken me to watch the starry sky from a rooftop
Kissed me on my forehead
Kissed me on my nose
Kissed me on my neck
Kissed me on my hand
Kissed me on my lips
Kissed me in the rain
Kissed me under fireworks
Kissed me on a rooftop
Hugged me from behind
Bear-hugged me
Hugged me and refused to let go
Picked me up off the ground
Carried me
Tossed me into the air
Held hands with me
Surprised me
Helped me mend a broken heart
Called me just to say "I love you"
Texted me just to say "I love you"
Written me a sweet note/letter
Gone shopping with me even though he didn't like it (coz he lovessss going shopping with me. seriously :P)
Done countless favors for me
Chosen to be seen in public with me despite my crazy side
Comforted/consoled me
Made a complete fool of himself to make me smile/laugh
Did anything to make me smile/laugh
Let me cry on his shoulder
Reassured me that things would be okay
Cheered me up
Told me I was his one and only
Made me feel special
Listened to me vent
Not pressured me to do something I didn't want
Apologized when he was wrong
Been patient with me
Literally wiped my tears away
Figuratively wiped my tears away
Tickled me excessively
Burned me a CD
Slow danced with me
...To no music
Been in an "I love you more" argument with me
Sung to me
Let me use him as a pillow
Held me and kept me warm
Accepted me completely for who I am, flaws and all


I am accepting the realty that the girl i used to love turned her back at me and chose to move on. Now, i will try as hard as i can to fix the mess that she left when she went away.

Waiting for my rescue to come

Today, i was called pessimistic by someone. I admit, im a self confessed pessimist. I was still in high school when the signs of being pessimistic about the littlest things have shown and predominated my outlook in life. I was fragile when the reality decided to cast a shadow and overcasted my whole existence with unrelenting plights. One after another, problems took pieces of me that made me decide that this realm is unjust and unsafe, thus one must not put their guard down or it may hit them without knowing it.

All of us have problems. No matter what your state may be, you have a problem to solve. One must live for another day to resolve a predicament after another. My problems are piling up considering the unresolved issues to settle.

One must live for something or for anything just to have a direction. You may dodge or face your plights, but you have to finish the game of life with a sheer contentment. It doesn’t have to be grand or anything, but the littlest things will suffice.

I have lost my ways and taste in life. Im a hardcore pessimist but for this entry, for this time being, I will be optimistic. I am just lost in my own little ways. The other part of me until now is lost amidst a myriad of trees waiting for my rescue to come.

This will be the last time

Confusion is getting the best out of me. I am lost within the perplexity of my own brain and heart. The two of them are the protagonist and antagonist of my life. Fighting which of them is right and wrong. All i know is that one of them is just casting me off in more pain, paranoia and depression. This condition seems hopeless for me to resolve.

At one point I’ve thought that I’m already done with our post break up but more pain is just coming every freaking day. The very thought of not getting back together is very grueling for me to swallow. It is hard for me to diversify myself from her and her whereabouts. I'm too terrified just by knowing that anytime soon, she might just be tainted by someone else and all of my actions that I’ve put just to protect her will be gone just like that.

She doesn't even comprehend why i am acting like this. In retrospect, i resent all that had happen between us. We used to be sweet, sensible and very much in love with each other, but all of her feelings were wiped away. The star that i know or should i say, the girl who was with me every day, who i shared my life with, who wanted to take pictures with me are far gone.

I’ll be okay. I’ll just have to accept the reality that she already put our relationship behind her. This will be the last time that I will put myself in depression just by thinking of her. I’m tired.